The Humane Devil

After 5 months of total inactivity on my own writing front, I make a return to your browsers having started my new life at a certain university. Obviously, only 3 months of the five were actually the ones where I had no time to write as I was busy familiarizing myself with college life. For the remaining two, I had merely become too lazy to write.
Okay, that's not entirely true. The major reason for my absence was certain thing many people like to call, umm, self-discovery. Or self-analysis. Or self-identification. And that's not true either.

Here's the deal: when most of the people you know, or the ones you just somehow are still in contact with(despite your complete lack of interest in their lives), run off to the places you always wanted to, it leaves a scar. A really deep one. What that does to you is leave you with two options:

1)Cringe. Cry out. Scream. Curse. And believe me, we've all done this for one reason or another.

2)Get into a certain activity and go so deep into it so that you make yourself forget about the thing that's really killing you inside. Its the modern version of the ostrich's head dug into the ground move.

Most of us, after reeling for a few weeks with option 1, finally have our Eureka moment with the activity we are searching for completing option 2. And as soon as we discover it, we are in another world altogether. We lose ourselves in that world and make our mind believe that what we have is good. Better, actually than what we could've had, had we reached where we wanted to be. We manage to create our own comfort level bubble, where nothing can remind us, or take us back to the world where what we have is not what we wanted.
Because that's all that matters doesn't it? Keeping a smile on your face? Thinking that, you know, all that we have is not that bad. Settling down for what you have. Not burning ourselves over things we don't have. After all, how can you miss something you never had? Right?

Don't get me wrong here, living in the present and accepting the truth is not something I'm against. All I'm saying is, that it's all a huge Illusion. We are never, ever, TRULY happy. That's the sad part.

Even when you think you are happy, there's this huge thing at the back of your head, poking you, pricking at you, reminding you of what you didn't manage to achieve. And if you've managed to shut it down for good, well, kudos to you. But it's only for the time being, 'coz at the slightest hint of a bad day, it all comes swooshing back, like a huge wave and hits you when you are down. Making it even worse.

You see, in the end, its not about just which college you missed out on; It's about all those things that you wanted so damn much, but you didn't get them. It's about all those Cruel things that have happened to you, just when you thought the worse was over. Whether its a job, college, a girl/guy you've always liked so damn much that even after getting to know it's probably never meant to be, you keep having these crazy days when you can think of nothing but them; how much they would change your lives if they were there. How much things would be easier and better if you were currently in the dorm of the college you had already imagined a hundred scenarios in.

And that's where the part about the source of our problems begin. The constant reminders in the world that keep telling us that you failed. That all you ever dreamed of, were infact, just that. Meaning wherever you look, you find nothing else but a painful notice that someone else made it, but not you.
Someone, who according to you, was never worthy of the honor. Someone, who couldn't possibly have wanted it as much as you. Someone, who was not you. But surely, Someone, who you knew.

We are all very cruel people you see. We find it deeply hurting to see how much someone else has achieved & what "could have been" for us. Frankly, it hurts. No matter how well you may know the person, it burns us up as to "Why him/her, & not me??".

Does it mean our behavior is incorrect? Does this signify that we are infact, not being nice? Or then, facing up to the fact that someone else was simply better? No. It means a simple thing:

Our behavior is Human. Very human, infact. It's not jealousy as much it is non-acceptance of failure. Its the mark of a man who surely believes he's meant for greater things. A man who is not ready to believe that one boulder is going to bring him to a stop. Because, reader, every living being on our planet was born with a very simple property: We can't lie to ourselves.

The man burning his blood in hatred of someone else is actually cursing himself in the back of his mind as to why he didn't work harder. He can see every moment in time that he wasted doing other "stuff" during which, the "unworthy" someone was probably spending his time glued to his course material, while sacrificing everything else.
Every time the person who can't get over the loss of his "special one" is haunted by the memories of all the while he had to tell him/her and chose not to, because it "wasn't the right time".

And that too, my friend, hurts. A lot.

Thus, every human who has ever failed to achieve something is not infact a lost cause. He's not done & dusted. He's the most able person to achieve a target-any target-because, IF he has learned from his mistakes, then mark my words, there's nothing that can stop him.(except himself)

And once you have the Eureka moment of finding the Humane Devil in you, trust me; Every ounce of work you put in, the fire that builds inside you will guide towards what you've always deserved: True and complete Happiness.